The Big Nowhere: My Own Political Party

One of the recent subgenres of political writing is the conversion story. These are the intellectual memoirs of people who were once Liberals, but have converted to Conservatism, or vice versa. As converts, these folks become the most severe critics of those folks with whom they once communed.

I’m feeling quite smug and self satisfied today. And why not? It is an occupational hazard for folks like me who are custom made from head to toe. Anyway, I want to talk about my conversion to the Big Nowhere, the space that is neither Left nor Right.

The Left and the Right have more similarities than differences. Both groups hold obscure sets of beliefs. Everyday cases of what should be done befuddles both sides. Life is often too messy for their principles to apply.

That leads me to ask, just what are their principles, and are they consistent sets of beliefs? I answer myself, “darned if I know.” I keep searching all the while thinking my confusion is all my own fault for being dull. However, I have observed the following.

Both sides believe in utopian societies. The Radical Left believes in the pure socialist state. The Right believes in completely unregulated free markets. Both utopian ideas have never existed because each utopia leads to massive social upheaval, breakdown, and misery. Despite the historical evidence against these utopias, both groups zealously cling to their utopian dreams. The political conversion literature is the odyssey of a person moving from one utopian belief to another utopian belief.

Both sides, at root, have an antipathy toward science and philosophy. Pseudo science and dogmatism fits and feels best for them both. The fact that the most difficult and complex problems might not admit of an easy solution tailored to grand principles is an easy source of frustration to them.

I’ll be honest. My beliefs have not changed all that much in the past thirty years. Thirty years ago, I was considered a fascist pig by some. Now, I am considered a bomb throwing, barricade building communist by others. Will somebody please make up their mind?

The only solution is to start my own political party. I am calling my party ‘The Big Nowhere’ for the moment. I am even thinking about running for President of the United States in 2008. I already have my party principles and platform figured out.

1) Scratch where it itches.

2) If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

And here’s my campaign slogan:

Win with Lynn!

I’ll be posting the address for party contributions in the near future. Anyone donating must sign a release that reserves my right to commit to nothing unless it is a good idea.